on grief, self care, being gentle with myself...

As someone with a history of depression, anxiety and panic attacks I’ve found ways in my normal life to manage myself well - to be as good as I can be for my family, and myself of course, and many of these activities involve being out making daily contact with others, getting support, being part of a community.

These activities, which I’ve discovered with the help of therapy are, in the normal course of events, the ones that support me to stay level and well.  And, like so many of us, I’ve been digging deep to find ways of maintaining my equilibrium differently, at home  - sowing seeds, gardening, walking, yoga/pilates at home, reaching out to friends, supporting others, breathing but this last couple of days grief has hit I think. 

This morning I’m cranky and sad.  Yesterday I had a real sense of disblief that this is actually happening.   And I know that anger, sadness, disbelief are all symptoms of grief, grief for what is lost, for my carefully curated life, for what is. happening in the world, for the ones who are suffering. Grief on top of grief.

And just now it’s hard to motivate myself to do the things I know are good for me.  I know I need to do them to stop feeling so bad - and, actually, this is a case in point.  In the process of writing this I’m finding my breath returning and the panic subsiding.  

I’ve brought myself away from the kitchen where the family are eating because I felt trapped and am now on my own in my studio.   I know I’m incredibly fortunate to have a space to get away - so many don’t.   And, that doesn’t stop me grieving and feeling rubbish - and then feeling guilty for feeling this way.

So - what’s the answer?

Well - there isn’t any one answer and it’s different for each of us.  And what I know and can remind myself is that I need to be gentle with myself, to speak kindly as though to a child when I’m having a panic - this too will pass.  I can keep doing the things that help - self care - walks, looking deeply at my plants, gardening, reaching out, breathing, functioning and creating and trusting that I am enough - as we all are.