On stoicism, anger and women

Stoicism is not a virtue - so said a wise woman recently and I felt something inside me chime. 

So many of us live, often unconsciously, by an outdated, patriarchal, and plain unhelpful (if not dangerous), edict that there is merit in our keeping quiet, not ‘making a fuss’ and being stoical; that we should be ‘sweetness and light’ and get on with life without creating a disturbance; that women are supposed to be ‘ladylike’ and that it’s unattractive to be angry.   

Well stuff that!

Our anger is crucial - it’s a physical energetic manifestation, a normal and natural range of feelings and physcial sensations, by which we let ourselves know that something is JUST NOT OK - that a boundary has been crossed.    

It’s the canary in the mine, the alarm system that shows us we need to take action; the fire that fuels us to go after what we want, to stand up for what matters; in fact anger is the very fire of life. 

Without our anger and the permission to notice and express it, we are reduced.  We lose access to our creativity and our passion.  

One of the Factors in Depression

Unexpressed anger is, in fact, one of the factors in depression. It becomes like a cork stuck in the bottle and all the good stuff - the useful, satisfying energy and motivation we need to be true to ourselves, is rendered useless and inaccessible to us behind it.  

And it’s dangerous to bottle of anger.  To allow the small layers of frustration to build up, layer upon layer until, one day, we explode.    And say things we don’t mean and take actions we’d rather avoid.  Which lead to difficulties in our relationships and a very viscious cycle.  

Ways to express your anger safely

For many years I didn’t know that it was ok to be angry. and to use safe, effective ways to express it; ways that don’t harm another living soul but offer great relief and satisfaction.  In fact I didn’t even know that such safe methods existed.  

And they do.  These days when I’m angry I use any one of a range of activities to support myself to release these sticky unpleasant feelings.  Journalling can help though I often find I need a more physical release such as scribbling with black or red marker pens, screaming into the wind (which is what I did the other day), chucking ice-cubes on a stone patio (very satisfying), striking the hedgerow with a dog’s lead being careful to avoid the rebound, shouting into a pillow, using a tennis racket to wack a pillow or cushion.  

Get support if you can…

These are all solitary activities and it’s useful to note that being supported to express your feelings can be extremely powerful too.   I have my own experience of working with my anger in therapy and as a therapist too and it is powerful - an angry woman in contact with her feelings, using her energy truthfully and expressing herself cleanly and safely radiates; her eyes shine and once the work is done she smiles and leaves content.